We choose to move abroad for different reasons, some people feel that they have to do it to further their own or their partner's career. Other people make the deliberate choice to move because they can see opportunities for themselves and their families.
No matter why you are moving abroad, transition can spark a whole range of emotions. From being happy and excited about the new opportunities; to feeling sad and empty about what you’re leaving behind. Some days we feel like we have it all under control, then other days we just want to cry in the corner through sheer overwhelm. Whether adults or children, the emotional roller coaster is very real.
Sharing the news
Be mindful of how you share the news with your children. You want to ensure you do it when you have ample time to sit with them and give them time to digest the information. They will have different questions to you, so don't feel you have to answer them all immediately. You can acknowledge “this is new to all of us, I don’t have an answer but why don’t we find out together”.
Tune in to how they share the news, when they facetime the grandparents what do they say? How much do they share? How do they answer the questions they’re asked? This will give you a good indication of how they are processing the move.
Support your kids
Involving your kids in the move is a great way to help them adjust to what is happening. Don’t feel you have to do it all for them, that is not your burden to carry. Involving them in planning, research, even the packing helps them understand all the aspects of a move.
In fact, involving your kids in the packing is key, they often worry that they won't see their ‘stuff’ again. So showing them how it is packed, labeled and so on relieves some of their anxieties.
No matter how much you plan, you and your kids will still experience the range of emotions about moving - we call it “bitter sweet” in our family. It really helps to articulate that we feel both happy and sad at the same time, and that is normal and OK.
We always play a game with the girls when we are in a transition - we go around the table, usually over dinner, and say one thing I’m excited or happy about, and one thing I’m sad or nervous about. We keep going until we have nothing more to add. It is always surprising what they come up with! They were 7 and 9 for our last move, and I’ve noticed that as they get older the game gets more interesting.
Recognise when your child needs extra support
Our move to Taipei was one of those that didn’t go well. For a long time we weren’t sure where we were moving to and when we finally arrived in Taipei the girls started school immediately, and everything was brilliant. They had lovely teachers who were super supportive and they made really sweet friends after only a few days.
But three months down the track, things were starting to look ‘iffy’ for Miss J. She was crying a lot, completely uncontrollable sobbing tears. But over very silly little things, like spilling her milk at breakfast. She was spending a lot of time in a corner by herself, sometimes reading but also just sitting. She struggled to do her homework, daydreaming or crying each afternoon. And she had lost that inner sparkle that we all love about her. I was assuming that she was going through a stage where hormones were changing, or something like that.
It was at the school open day that I observed her in the classroom, suddenly I realised that she had lost all confidence in herself and wasn’t even trying! So the warning signs for us were, a child who has always been called an ‘old soul’ was now displaying:
Regular, out of context, emotional outbursts
Lack of energy and enthusiasm for anything school related
No self confidence and refusal to try new things
How do you know if your move is impacting your child? I think the key is to know your child. Talk with them often and understand what is going on. When you see behavioural changes, look at the big picture and put it into a broader context. While I was assuming hormones were to blame, it was actually that she couldn’t do what the others could and it undermined her confidence. Importantly, stay close with the teacher and the school. Make sure you know what’s going on and what that means for your kid.
But take heart, even if your move does impact on your child, together you can remedy the situation. What is really important through all of this is to be there for your family, and for yourself. Journal if you can about how you're feeling. Talk it out with your spouse. Listen to your kids. And hug each other… often!
I have been an expat for over 20 years, and both our girls were born on foreign shores. With hubby’s role in hotels, we find that we have been on the move every 2 years to a new country. With so many transitions, I have become an expert settling myself and the family quickly, download my cheat sheet, 5 Steps to A Successful Transition where I share my top tips to support your next move - www.expatparentingabroad.com/steps
Emily Rogers
Coach & Founder, Expat Parenting Abroad
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